Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
The way the current United States administration has disregarded the constitution and the will of the American people, is there any point left in having a constitution? From the Bastion of Urban Renewal and Progress (BURP), here is a new, re-writing of the US Constituion.
For Making The Constitution More Compatible With The Modern Age
This proposal has been created and authorized by our organization, the Bastion of Urban Renewal and Progress (BURP). This is a community organization which has its home office on the upper west side of Manhattan, and is dedicated to the betterment of humanity, the cleanliness of the earth and the causes of equality within and between all nations.
We here at our organization (BURP) have always considered the constitution a living and breathing document that should be updated periodically to reflect the changing needs of our community. However, it has gotten more difficult over the years to take a document that was written in the 18th century and keep it contemporary. Therefore, rather than amend the constitution, and continue to put tape and paper clips on an old and out-dated document, it is time for a complete re-writing of the constitution. We will start here with the first 10 amendments known as the Bill of Rights.
President Obama has often been looked to as a prophet; an almost Godlike figure. So, it seems appropriate to see how the Old Testament would look if Obama had been a part of it…
In the beginning there was only Hillary.
And the Democrats were without form.
And there was corruption, and lying, and deceit, and intimidation.
And then the spirit of Obama came and moved upon the waters.
And Obama said Let there be hope and change.
And Obama saw the hope and change, and said that it was good.
And Obama said Let there be a stimulus plan.
But unto Obama and his plan, the people had not respect.
And Obama saw the wickedness among the people of the United States.
And Obama said unto the people of the United States 'Let my stimulus plan pass'.
And Obama gave money to banks, insurance companies and car companies and said that it was good.
But the hearts of the people were hardened.
And the people wanted to know why the unemployment rate was over 10%.
So Obama needed to speak to the Lord.
And he went to the special place where he could seek the counsel of the Lord.
And from the other side of the mirror, God spake unto Obama, saying, Go speak to your wife Michelle and tell her to speak to the children of the United States.
And Michelle went forth and spake unto the people of the United States, saying unto them,
Whatsoever containeth polyunsaturated fats, ye shall not eat.
All fast food, whether it cometh from dwellings with golden arches or from Kings, shall be an abomination unto you.
The 2007 edition by Thomas Lindaman
Well, it’s that time of year again when people decide to make major life changes because it’s the beginning of a new year. Some people resolve to lose weight. Others resolve to stop smoking. Still others resolve to stop looking for naked photos of Rue McClanahan on the Internet. (I know that last one’s gonna be tough for me to do.)
For those of you who are new to CommonConservative.com, forgot since last year, or were fortunate enough to avoid last year’s edition, I’m not very good at making or keeping New Year’s resolutions. Anything more complicated that "I resolve to wake up every morning" tends to be a little out of my pay grade.
So, instead of writing resolutions for myself, I decided to write resolutions for other people. I don’t do it because I think my life is perfect; I do it so the people listed don’t have to bother with it, thus giving them more time to focus on more important things, like balancing the federal budget or taking time to see "Borat." In other words, I do it because I care, dagnabbit!
Anyway, here are my 2007 New Year’s resolutions for other people.
George W. Bush, I resolve that you stop letting situations dictate who you are and what you believe. We elected you in 2000 and 2004 because you were confident in what you were doing. Now, you’re lapsing into a milquetoast like your father was…well, pretty much since 1988. You took us to war against international terrorism and we can’t win it with a half-hearted leader. Put on the chaps, boots, and Stetson and lead for the love of Pete!
Nancy Pelosi, I resolve that you strive to work with conservatives of both parties to get something done. Democrats ran in 2006 on a platform of change, so now it’s time to come across with some change for the better, not just change to be changing stuff. If you keep the American people in mind, the first 100 minutes of your tenure as Speaker of the House won’t be the same 100 minutes that people wonder why they put Democrats in power in the first place.
Harry Reid, I resolve that you start sucking up to Joe Lieberman, big time. Don’t believe the media hype that Democrats control the Senate because, in truth, you don’t. You are sitting on a 49-49-2 split. Sure, Bernie Sanders will most likely play ball with you guys, but Joe Lieberman is a different story altogether. Let’s not forget it was Democrats who pushed him away and insulted him when they thought Ned Lamont could win. If you haven’t noticed, Harry, Lamont didn’t attend freshman orientation, and Joe’s still there. After the crap your side pulled on Joe, you have some serious making up to do.
To the leaders of Iran, Syria, and North Korea, I resolve that you keep doing what you’re doing and create a bigger mess of the world than you already have. Then, when the world gets fed up with you acting like jerks, we’ll have all the justification we need to turn your countries into parking lots.
To the United Nations, I resolve that you come to grips with the harsh reality that you aren’t really needed anymore, not that you were to begin with. Your goal of allowing countries an opportunity to address problems with other countries without going to war was a cute idea on paper, but it’s failed worse than "Gigli: The Musical." Time to pack it in, guys, and let America take care of the big problems. Heck, you already do, so it wouldn’t be that big of an adjustment.
To the media hounding Britney Spears for not wearing panties in public, I resolve that you back off the future Mrs. Thomas Lindaman. I’ll talk to her about the panties issue. You run along and cover something really important, like what Jennifer Aniston’s pet groomer’s ex-boyfriend has been doing. And speaking of the newly-single Ms. Spears…
Britney Spears, I resolve that you marry me. Oh, this won’t be for anything personal, like finally seeing you naked. That's a fringe benefit. It will be to ensure your kids and you have a stable relationship in your lives. I understand what it’s like to be a star at such a young age. Yes, I played Wesley on "Mr. Belvedere." I don’t talk about it much because it’s part of my past. (Well, that, and the fact it’s a total lie…) Regardless, you need someone who will be your confidante, friend, father to your children, lover, and partner. I humbly volunteer for that duty. Besides, after Kevin Federline, you can only go up.
Barak Obama, I resolve that you do something. Seriously. You’re in the running to be the Democrats’ candidate for President in 2008, provided Hillary Clinton lets you run. Either way, if you want to be taken seriously as a contender for the Presidency in 2008 or beyond, you gotta start working on that resume of yours.
John Kerry, I resolve that you get a sense of humor. That "botched joke" of yours right before the 2006 election wasn’t funny, either as you presented it or as it was on your script. Good comedians know when to dump bad material, and what you had was one of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard, and I’ve watched "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno"!
To the Republican members of the "Gang of 14," I resolve that you start begging for your political lives before the court of conservative opinion. That little deal you struck with the Democrats was monumentally stupid on so many levels, but let’s start with the fact that the Democrats wouldn’t have abided by the terms of the agreement as you had them. They would invent reasons to filibuster any judicial candidates who were to the right of Lenin (and I’m not talking John here, kids). If you want to keep your jobs, you’d better stop undermining the President.
Bill Clinton, I resolve that you put on some pants. It will be tough, but I’m sure you can do it if you really try. Whenever you start getting those special thoughts that give you a tingly feeling in your no-no parts, just picture Janet Reno naked.
Hillary Clinton, I resolve that you drop the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" crap. It doesn’t and has never taken a village to raise a child; it takes parents. And if what I’ve heard about who really raised Chelsea is true, you are the last person in the world to preach to us about how to raise a child.
Keith Olbermann, I resolve that you get those rabies shots you’ve so desperately needed. I’ll even chip in a couple of bucks.
Rosie O’Donnell, I resolve that you hire someone to smack you upside the head when you say something stupid for ratings. Granted, this will mean someone is smacking you just about every day, but it’s the only way you’ll learn.
To the contributors to CommonConservative.com, I resolve that you continue to make the site better with your commentary. I’ve been fortunate to have some great writers on the site, both as staff writers and as guest writers. It’s because of you that the site is what it is.
And finally, to the readers and fans of CommonConservative.com, I resolve that you never be afraid to tell me what you would like us to do differently. The purpose of the site is to give you a voice, and we would be jerks if we didn’t listen to you when you had ideas. I’m always open to new ideas, so shoot me an email if you have one. Just one thing, though. I’m sticking around, so you can stop emailing me to quit the site. By the way, Mom, I loved the Christmas dinner.
Thomas Lindaman is a Staff Writer for the New Media Alliance, Inc. and NewsBull.com. The New Media Alliance is a non-profit (501c3) national coalition of writers, journalists and grass-roots media outlets. He is also Publisher of CommonConservative.com.
by Erik Rush
It's amazing what one can learn about politics – and people – from a ten year-old…
My son (the ten year-old) saw the horrible condition of the starving people in Darfur (the Sudanese region in which human rights-related atrocities and ethnic cleansing have been going on since 2003) on a television news report. Every now and then, he will view people in similar condition in other war-torn nations, or ones in which there is political inequity (to put it politely). Obviously, the images of starving children are particularly disturbing to him.
"Why don't we send them food?" he asks.
"Well, we do," I tell him. "America sends billions of dollars in financial and food aid to countries like those every year."
"Billions?!?"
"That's right."
"Then why are they still starving?"
"Good question," say I. "Because the fat, aboriginal scum who run those countries generally steal most of the money and food and share it with the army in order to keep themselves in power."
"What's 'aboriginal' mean?"
"Never mind."
Miyamoto Musashi, the 16th-century samurai and great military figure in Japanese history, wrote about a concept he called "immature strategy" in his book Go Rin No Sho (A Book of five Rings). The basis of this was that one could not be an effective swordsman, military leader – or anything else, for that matter – utilizing underdeveloped, half-baked ideas or techniques.
Hence my son's initial response: Having been raised in a culture in which people ostensibly care about others, he reasoned that throwing a mess of resources at the problem would readily fix it. Then there's the fact that kids of that age still think everything ought to be the way they think it ought to be – just because.
Immature strategy; my ten year-old isn't aware of the political nuances involved, the corruption, greed and lack of concern for life that is business as usual in many cultures, but is anathema to the Judeo-Christian ethic to which he has been exposed. So his solutions are on a par with his maturity as well as his frame of reference.
By Rev. T. Myles Weiss MA MFT
Where’s the Muslim Martin?
Where is the voice of reform that will transform this religion of one billion people?
We need a voice similar to Martin Luther, who challenged the forces of corrupt Christianity. In his day, he dared to call for the end of selling indulgences, that vile practice which enslaved poor families by exchanging their hopes of eternity for their meager finances. The church of his era sold empty promises. Luther demanded change. He spoke out for a more spiritual future for those who followed Christ. He called on leaders to admit their failures and change their ways.
We need a voice like Martin Luther King Jr. who challenged the forces of segregation and spoke up for the civil rights of Black people in America. He used non-violent protest to draw attention to this shameful fact of America’s past. His voice changed our country.
We need a voice like Martin Short, whose self deprecating comedic styling may be instructional for the Muslim world, which seems to have a desperate need for a sense of humor. This ability to laugh at one’s self is seemingly absent from the mentality of mainstream Islam. If it is present, we need to hear it.
We are waiting for the “religion of peace” to demonstrate a self-correcting movement toward moderation. We are waiting for the masses of Islam to demand corrections to Jihadist theology. We are waiting for the civil rights enjoyed by Muslims in America and Israel to be granted to women, Jews, and Christians, Buddhists and Hindus in Muslim lands.
We are waiting for a humanity enhancing humor that reaches across differences and celebrates the universal human condition by “lightening up” and laughing a little.
We are waiting for Martin.
© Rev. T. Myles Weiss MA MFT 2006
_____
Myles Weiss is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Founder of Trust and Triumph, a successful substance abuse recovery group, and Pastor of Beth Shalom. He serves on the leadership teams and boards of several organizations including The Center for Changing Worldviews, Vertical Call and Beulah Prayer House. As co-host on Middle East Affairs for Changing Worldviews TALK Radio with Sharon Hughes, Myles expresses his passion to promote understanding of the pivotal nature of Middle East politics and the need for peace with security. Myles has conducted marriage and family seminars in Russia, organized outreaches in India and trained ministers in Africa, and received his Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Azusa Pacific University. Contact: mwtherapy@sbcglobal.net .
We live in a changing world…
Sharon Hughes
President, The Center for Changing Worldviews
Host, Changing Worldviews TALK Radio
PO Box 750624
Petaluma, CA 94975-0624
(707)322-3632
Websites: http://www.changingworldviews.com/
http://www.womantalk.us/
Blog: http://changingworldviews.blogspot.com/
Email: sharon@changingworldviews.com
http://www.womantalk.us/
Mayor Nagin's ranting on a recent 60 Minutes about rebuilding New Orleans has created a buzz in the news scene. The following piece is from www.scrappleface.com and it says it all about the blunt style of Mayor Nagin. And the truth abounds.
(2006-08-25) — New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, who this week answered criticism about the speed of his administration’s reconstruction efforts by noting that the World Trade Center site in New York still sits vacant, today pledged that his city would be fully restored faster than two other devastated metropolitan areas. “New York can’t get a hole in the ground fixed in five years,” Mr. Nagin said, “and look at Atlantis and Babylon — still a mess more than a generation later. We’re on pace to finish the job well before either one them.” Mr. Nagin refused to answer any more questions on New Orlean’s recovery delays “until Mike Wallace sits down with the mayors of those two towns and holds them accountable for their mismanagement.”
by Tom Attea
If we remember correctly, a person becomes a national hero when he saves, or at least helps save, his country. So we're a bit perplexed that Hassan Nasrallah, the supposed leader of Hezbollah, who is patiently but effectively destroying his country, is being hailed as a hero at home and in much of the Middle East.
How pathetic can hero worship get?
If results influence the estimate of actions, here we have a man who is demonstrably the world's latest master of misjudgment. With the stalwart assistance of his mismanaged adherents, he recklessly abducts two Israeli soldiers and precipitates a war that has so far killed over 1,000 of his own countrymen and reduced much of its infrastructure to tumbledown cement and unintended cemeteries.
Yet is the bearded dolt held responsible for the debacle and excoriated for it? No. He is more of a hero than ever, with his picture painted bigger than life, even on walls he has helped aerate.
Listen to the dolt and then to his fellow terrorist trifle: "If you hit Beirut, the Islamic resistance will hit Tel Aviv and is able to do that with God's help," says Nasrallah in a televised address that was probably taped earlier in some sequestration and aired the day that Israel already dropped leaflets warning residents of some sections of Beirut to evacuate and resumed strikes on Beirut's burbs.
But, we are told, Nasrallah offered an olive branch, bravely announcing Hezbollah would stop rocket attacks on Israel if Israel would stop its attacks inside Lebanon. "You attack our cities, our villages, our civilians, our capital, we will react," he said, as in, Who wouldn't? Then he goes on to say, "At any time you decide to stop your aggressions on our villages and towns and cities and our civilians, we will not hit any settlement or any Israeli city."
A humorous look at our oil problems and the possible soloution to all our gas and oil problems.
by Tom Attea
Recent exploration of sediment deep beneath the Artic Ocean has led geologists to estimate that approximately 1/4 of the world’s untapped oil and gas reserves are located there. After evaluating the impact of the news, the U. S. may seek membership in OPEC.
President Bush, smiling and joking with King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at a press briefing in Nome, Alaska, stated, “Since it looks like we’ve got about as much oil off Alaska as our good friend the King here has in the Saudi desert, it seems like a pretty good idea for America to consider membership in OPEC. The least you can say is, maybe then we’ll have more influence on prices at the pump.”
King Abdullah, who flew in to tour the newly oil-rich region with President Bush and Vice President Cheney, commented, “Until now, I thought a country had to have a lot of sand to have oil. Now, I see it can also have a lot of snow. If America wants to join OPEC, we will be very happy to consider the application. But, of course, we only have one vote.”
Reaction across the Middle East was not unmixed, even in Saudi Arabia. A member of the nation’s delegation to OPEC, speaking on condition of anonymity so he could remain in the employ of the King, cited Allah’s usual ways to man in terms of the oil trade, saying, “The eternal wisdom of Allah has provided that no part of the world is able to have more oil than Saudi Arabia. But our King likes to visit George Bush at his ranch in Crawford or wherever he is, so if we see enough gushers blacken the Artic Ocean, I suppose we will bring ourselves to consider U. S. membership.”
The Iranian representative was, expectedly, evasive while definite. “If the U. S. wants to join OPEC, we may say no or yes, never or maybe, later or now. There is, of course, more likelihood that we will say yes or maybe sooner if the U. S. agrees that our proud and progressive Islamic nation has the right to develop nuclear weapons for peaceful purposes.”
When asked about possible opposition to U. S. membership in OPEC, President Bush made no maybes about his intentions, turning to the King first, and saying, “Excuse me for saying this, but you how I’m always forthright.” Then he turned to the reporter, and stated, “We have a backup plan. If the other nations who control OPEC vote against American membership, we intend to form an oil cartel with Canada, which, like our own state of Alaska, borders on the Artic Ocean. Greenland, which also has a presence there, has indicated interest in the cartel, which, by the way, we’ve given the working name of APEC, with the “A” standing for “Artic.” I also plan to invite Russia, which, as you know, borders on the other side of the Artic Ocean, to consider the benefits of membership in APEC.”
Vice President Cheney, flashing his usual fleeting acidic smile at the King, took his turn at the skillful conduct of international relations, adding, “It’s quite a relief to know we’ve got as much oil up north as we do, and frankly, I kind of like the idea of APEC. So just let me say that, with all due deference to the King, the choice for OPEC is clear. It’s their cartel or ours.”
Environmentalists were widely distressed. A leading researcher of the multinational team that extracted the deep cores which indicated the vast reserves said, “It’s disheartening to think that our discovery of how much oil and gas lie under the Artic has led to a desire to extract it. I would have thought everyone would just appreciate the wisdom of leaving it there. Now, I shudder to think how much the combustion of the reserves will contribute to global warming, which, unfortunately, will make it even easier to pump out the oil, since there won’t be any ice left to get in the way.”
Eskimos generally applauded the news, with many expressing an eagerness to trade in their traditional garb for Arabian dress. One Eskimo confided, “If you want to know the truth, I like global warming. We’ve had it cold long enough.”
Everyday Americans at the pump were ecstatic about the prospects of a domestic oil glut. “Wow, just think,” an American SUV driver, who was at a gas station pumping out his wallet, said, “if the U. S. is part of OPEC or forms its own cartel, I might even be able to keep my gas guzzler.”
About the Author:
Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://newslaugh.com/, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."
The politically incorrect solution to the nuclear standoff in Iran is to employ a cartoon of the bombing of Iran's nuclear plants.
by Tom Attea
European negotiators, intent on reaching a peaceful agreement with Iran about its controversial nuclear program, resorted to a tactic that has recently proven to be the most reliable way to elicit a response in much of the Muslim world.
Remembering the extraordinary reaction to Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad and, again last week, demonstrations by an Iranian Turkish minority over a new cartoon that, they think, portrays them in an unfavorable light, the Europeans opted to incorporate a cartoon in their latest proposal that depicts bombs dropping on Iranian nuclear facilities.
During the next meeting with the usually smiling but dismissive Iranian nuclear negotiator, the French representative held up the explosive cartoon.
The Iranian negotiator sat back, and asked, “This cartoon is upsetting. Is it intended to be a hint?“
“I’m afraid so,” the British negotiator volunteered.
“Do you mind if I excuse myself?” he requested. “I must report this to our President!”
Then he ran with his Koran to call Iran.
“What? Another western cartoon that is insulting to Muslims?” President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad exploded. “Wait till the mighty mullahs I report to hear about this! Email me a copy right away!”
When the dutiful Ahmadinejad received it, he quickly printed it out and ran from mullah to mullah, as he often does, displaying the cartoon in his smiling, deferential way.
“What? A cartoon showing our sacred nuclear plants being blown up?” the mullah who ranks highest in the official order of the Muslim menagerie gasped.